I’ve battled depression and all over body/joint pain most of my adult life.
“Something is wrong with me,” was my constant mantra.
I hadn’t suffered trauma, loss, cancer, divorce or abuse. 95% of the world prays for the life I have. That alone made me more depressed about being depressed because it brought on guilt for even feeling the way I did.
I have not confessed to many people about my bouts of depression because sometimes people look at you like you have a mental illness and treat you differently. There are enough “real” problems in the world to think and pray about, I certainly don’t want people worrying about me. I also didn’t want to be sharing my story for a desperate need of attention or to give excuses for why I am the way I am. I’ve only shared with those who have opened their hearts to me because it’s their story, too. And, to my dear closest friends.
Doctors said I should be tired and exhausted, I had four children and a job. Tests always looked good, so they’d prescribe me iron, or more potassium, or magnesium, or B vitamins. I’d leave, relieved I wasn’t dying, but never felt healed.
Over the last 15 years, I became a student of my own depressed experience. I analyzed every possible cause for to find the root of this despair. Thinking it was physical, I eliminated bad habits of caffeine, coffee, Diet Coke, alcohol and processed foods. I did detoxes and cleanses, exercised regularly, got into nature, conquered addictions and reduced stress. I buried myself in books to learn about my mind – maybe I was crazy and it really was in my mind. I devoured Eckart Tolle, Byron Katie, Penny Pierce, Wayne Dyer, Deepok. I learned all about my ego, consciousness and how we are our thoughts. I did daily devotionals, prayed, vowing to become more spiritual – maybe it was God missing in my life. I thought is was my work, perhaps I wasn’t being true to who I was. So, I began to write, filled art journals, and painted. Of course, I figured it was my marriage – my resentfulness perhaps is what’s taking its toll on me. I sought therapy and tried depression meds, only to find I was in Fog City. St. John’s Wart, the same. Perhaps, it was midlife changes, so I sought out self-help books on mid-life, menopause, had a hysterectomy, and did some serious soul searching.
Then the world of energy came into light. I was introduced to Reiki, by my niece, Micara Link, as a way to heal ourselves, so I took classes and learned about how we can heal with energy, focused on releasing blocked chakras and worked on my subconscious blocks buried deep from childhood. She introduced me to clearing, but I guess I wasn’t ready to embrace it just yet. She also affirmed my belief of being a highly sensitive person. This, just a dent in my quest for an answer.
I made strides – big ones.
But, I was not cured.
The Big D kept coming back. Always, it followed me around like lost puppy.
I then met Bridgette. Bridgette and I met in a Facebook group of friends brought together by Kelly Ray Robert’s online class, Flying Lessons. Bridgette is a women’s empowerment coach, who also does energy work, intuitive coaching and is psychic. We conversed online, became companions at a writing retreat and I later, continued sessions with her over the phone to receive guidance in reaching my goals and learning about my mind, body, heart and soul and how it all needs to align.
I didn’t know then, that she would be the one that would unlock the door to my depression/pain quest.
The most powerful gift Bridgette taught me was about energy and how it affects us. I knew some of this, but not to the depths I needed to know. You think you know – but really, you don’t.
I learned that I am not just a highly sensitive person, but I am also an empath. Google that.
As a HSP (highly sensitive person) and an empath (I know-sounds like a real head case, huh?), we absorb the energies of others whether we want to or not. I was not only absorbing the energies of any person I was with at the time, I was also absorbing the energies in groups of people, in my surroundings, in meetings, in my entire world. And, carrying it with me, until my body felt heavier, more in pain and more depressed. (I remember learning this with Micara, but I think I was at the surface of just learning about energy then and did not take in more than basic understandings.) This explained my agitation and exhaustion after being at the mall, large group meetings and gatherings and even in my working environment of an elementary school of almost 900 people.
I needed help. A game plan. I could not quit my job.
Bridgette gave me tools and taught me two main practices to combat this problem:
1. Energy Clearing to clear all energies from others that I absorb on a daily basis
2. Creating a protection barrier around me to protect myself from the energy of others.
Bridgette did my first energy clearing for me, over the phone! I was skeptical, but I did believe in energy and the law of attraction. The next day, I felt 20 pounds lighter, had a skip in my step, my depression and pain lifted and I was me again. I honestly FELT “cleared”. A peace and lightness flowed through me. It was a miracle.
But, it didn’t last. By the next week, I was back in my bed again, barely able to peel myself away from bed to get to the shower for work.
I called Bridgette.
She said I had to learn to do these clearings on my own, and on a regular basis if I was going to survive my job. I found that I needed them twice a week, usually over the weekend to clear from the week and again by Wednesday. I also learned to create a morning ritual for myself before going into my work that consisted of meditation that focused on creating an imaginary protective barrier around me so these energies could not penetrate through my own energy auras. And also, a disconnection ritual at the end of my work day. Yes, it all sounds crazy in a Cosmo-Rica-woo-woo kind of way.
But, you know what? It worked.
And if something makes me feel better and chases away the pain and depression I suffer, I’m doing it.
You know how I know that it was mainly the energies of others that was causing my depression and pain?
It’s July 2nd today. We’ve been out of school for one month already. I have not had ONE day of depression or pain and have not had to do an energy clearing or protection meditation since school let out. I’ve been home. Mostly by myself or with my husband.
I have never felt better in my entire life. I still abide by everything else I’ve learned to stay depression/fybromyalgia free and healthy. And, I do not believe I would have learned a fraction of all I now understand about our body, mind, heart and soul had it not been for the relief I was seeking. The daily, conscious effort and monitoring of where I am at is a commitment. But, if I want to be of service and help for others, it’s one I refuse to stray from.
But now, I’m at a fork in the road and my question is, “What now?”
We are never fully “healed” and more and more is revealed to us every day about who we are, and right now I feel a new knowing that there is something more that I feel called to do. I’m not exactly sure what that is, but I do know part of my purpose is healing, helping and teaching others and I can do that through sharing my story and the workings of our body, mind, heart and soul, along with how energy affects us.
Since discovering these newfound paths of healing that work for me, God has guided others my way that need this. Synchronicities has compounded and I am blown away every day. I certainly didn’t think that I would be here sharing with the world my depression journey and teaching others about energy even two years ago. God unfolds for us in a very mysterious way. I just followed the bread crumbs. I’m not exactly sure where the next crumbs will be, but I do know it’s time for me to open up and share with others the understandings, tools, and practices that I’ve been taught to battle depression.
If I can even help one person, then I know I’m on the right path.
Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who you are. ~ Rachel Naomi Remen, MD