Where Writing Comes From

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Awakened by a high pitched whine outside my bedroom door, I cover my head and burrow back into my flannel sheets and quilts.  Saturday mornings are reserved for sleeping in past 6:30, but being the lone human at home this morning, it would be my duty to wake up to Sandy’s calling.

As I shuffle to the biffy first, Sandy follows me.  I sit down and and I receive morning kisses – dog licks on my chin and nose.

“Yes, yes, I’m happy to see you, too,” I smile.

After this reassurance, she rushes into the bedroom to see if her master is awake.  She returns after noticing his absence.  Ice fishing called his name this weekend and Sandy was left behind.  Up and down the hallway she paces.

“Wanna go outside?” I ask her.

Her tail wagging in gear three and jumping means an absolutely “YES!”  Opening the door, she bursts out, galloping over to the woods.

“Sheesh!” I mutter to myself, shaking my head. “How can she be so wound up in the morning?”

I venture off to the kitchen to make some coffee and wrinkle my nose in disgust.  Dishes fill the sink and tracings of yesterday clutter the table.  A full day yesterday at work and exhaustion upon arriving home meant a little reading and right to bed for me.  I pay the price today.

“You need to get this cleaned up before you start anything,” Bernice scolds.

“Well,  it’s going to have to wait,” I tell her, “I have writing to do.

She frowns.  I’m getting really good at talking back to my ego mind.

I fill my cup with coffee and head up to my sanctuary, having no idea  what I might write about today.  However, I know, from daily writing, that if I show up to write, something will come.

A candle is lit. My inspiration playlist gently fills my ears.  I rustle through my pens to choose the perfect one that wants to write for me today.  My notebook opens to a blank page.

Okay. I’m ready.

And, I sit.

My eyes close and I breathe, hand placed over the page.  Deep breaths, breathing in this moment.  Stillness.

“Give me something – something. . . ” I ask.

The trees outside are swaying wickedly as I gaze out the window above my desk.  The sun pops in and out of clouds.  The light so bright I have to squint my eyes.

“Wow! I have not seen that much brightness for awhile!” I say to myself out loud, the spring sun a gift.

The heat kicks in.  A vent on the floor to my right forces warmth up my way.

“M-m-m-m-m . . . this is heaven. . . the sun, the heat.”  I savor it.

Adelle’s turn to sing on my playlist.  Her words?

“Make you feel my love. . .”

I breathe again.  Angel arms wrap around me.  I shut my eyes and smile, a tear squeaking out, feeling His greatness.

“Thank you.  Yes,” I praise.

And, I put my pen to the page.

My 2014 Word of the Year ~ LOVE

Photo on 2013-12-28 at 22.27 #5

It’s almost time to say goodbye to January. Not that I’m hangin’ on to it, by any means.  It’s been a month of wind, snow and frigid cold here in northern Minnesota.  We’ve had so many late starts and snow days that it’s beginning to feel like one long extension of our holiday break.  The upside is that a forcing to retreat indoors means time to reflect, read, be still, and to get it all on the page.  Yeah, yeah, I could take down the Christmas tree, clean the college kids’ bedrooms (ugh) or start taxes, but to me, this is FREE TIME!  The house is quiet and not a soul is here, so I will do whatever my heart desires.

I’ve chosen my 2014 Word of the Year, after much contemplation during the month of December.  My 2012 word of CREATIVE and 2013 word of COURAGE are pretty tough to beat.  Living with intent through the lens of those two words, I accomplished goals that I would have never been able to do otherwise.  The words still resonate with me and are etched into my being ~ well, they were before, I just had to reactivate them.  I will carry them forth with me to 2014.

But, I’m living out 2014 with a new word.  It’s a biggie.  MASSIVE.  I know. . . you’re feeling the suspense.

My word is LOVE.

Yes, LOVE.

“Oh.  That’s it?” is what you are thinking.

But really, I know that LOVE seems like such a cliched word.  We throw it around loosely, so it’s a word one would not think of choosing to toss into the universe because, from an outsiders perspective, we are “love-ing” all the time.  “I love chocolate. I love my family.  I love Christmas.  I love puppies.”  LOVE encompasses so much.  There are no boundaries.

My main focus with my word is SELF-LOVE.  Yes, I said it, SELF-LOVE.

Ugh.  It’s even hard for me to write that.

This is how I know I need it.  Here is my issue with it:

SELF-LOVE and SELFISH-LOVE are two terms that dance around each other.  Yet, they are each very different terms.  I’ve treated them both the same for most of my life, thinking that SELF-LOVE might be a form of egoism, narcissism, arrogance or self-promotion.  Really though, that is SELFISH-LOVE.

BUT, LOVING MYSELF?  SERIOUSLY?  WHO DOES THAT?????

I believed that others needs should always be  before my own.  (That’s what good wives, mothers and teachers do.) I believed that true humility meant to be modest and to talk down of yourself. (We learn this from everyone around us and a girl has to fit in!)  My truth was that I should never feel content with who or what I was because then, what would I work towards? (You gotta have goals and they should be based on what I need to be better at, right?) But even worse than that, I believed in my heart, that I truly was never good enough. . .in almost every area of my life.

SOMETHING always felt missing.

So, I tried to find it.  In so many ways.

Even when I knew others loved me, I still tried to fill a void in my heart.  I thought that if I could only be more perfect or find what I was missing, that void would be filled.  My 30 some years of trying to be perfect and seeking for more are over.  I’m learning to love myself just as I am.

And this is not going to be an easy road.

I’m hardwired with repeated “self-talk” that tells me I should BE better.  DO better.  LOOK better.

HERE’S THE NITTY GRITTY ~ THE SHIFT OF WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE YOURSELF ~

Loving yourself means to open your heart to your own self, to accept yourself unconditionally for who you are, for what you look like, feel like, and think like with all of your differences, flaws (it’s only a flaw if your mind tells you it is), and unique characteristics of who you are.  Loving yourself means to treat yourself as you would a helpless infant.  It means to be a tender loving mother to yourself.  It means to use loving words when talking to yourself or about yourself.  If your mind tells you you are not good enough, then you are not loving yourself.  Loving yourself also means setting boundaries for yourself and being assertive enough to speak your truth.

I’m starting small.  And, I’m beginning with wiping out negative self talk.  Just being aware that my mind is telling me these lies is a start.  I would not say these negative words to another human being, why do I continue repeating them to myself?

For heaven’s sake.

Now. . . going to pour my glorious self a cup of tea.  Well, lookie here – my Yogi tea message. . .

“Appreciate yourself and honor your soul.”

I’ve put LOVE out there and it’s already coming back at me.

I’m loving this word already.