self-love

Notice, Name It and Pay A Compliment

| Shari Daniels

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“Learning to compliment others well is a real art. . . receiving any kind of positive feedback (about writing) feels good.  Receiving a compliment that gets to the heart of what one was trying to do (as a writer) feels amazing.”

These words marinate in my brain this morning upon reading them in today’s Slice of Life Day #4 Challenge ~ words from Anna Grotz Cockerille’s post, in how we can teach our kids how to compliment one another’s writing.

Lucy Calkins,  Donald Graves and Donald Murray teach us to notice something positive that the writer did and name it for them.  I begin to think about the teachers in my school who are busy as elves today getting ready for parent/teacher conferences tonight after school.  Some are ready and confident.  Some are anxious and worry.  All are amazing in their own unique ways.

“But, do they know that?”  I wonder.

Not only is it important for us to notice and compliment our writers, but it’s equally and more important to pay attention, notice, name and compliment what others do as humans.  How often do we pay attention to the positive actions others do?  And, if we do take our heads outside of ourselves for a moment to be aware of what’s going on around us and notice it, do we give that someone a compliment SAYING we noticed?

Receiving a compliment that says “You’re awesome” is nice, but the most meaningful compliment is when someone takes the time to let you know they’ve noticed something specific that you did – and named it for you.

That’s authentic.

It’s real.

It’s the evidence that supports our awesomeness and you know what?  Those are the messages our ego needs to hear.

I noticed a teacher being awesome today.  She confronted another adult when she disagreed with something that was going on.  It took bravery to do that.  I’ve seen her be brave like this before.  I’m awed by her.  I told her so today.  I don’t know many adults that go right to the source of a problem when they have one.  She does.

She deserved to be noticed and to be complimented on that – specifically.

I don’t know about you, but my ego doesn’t always believe, “You’re awesome.”

Ego usually says to me, “Yeah, right.  What did you do? I know frosting on poop when I see it.”

But, now, when someone gives me evidence?  That gives me PROOF.

I can then say, “HA!  Take THAT, Bernice!  See? I AM awesome!!”  (btw. . . Bernice is my ego, just incase you didn’t know.)

I challenge you to pay attention, notice and compliment not only other writers today, but other people.

My 2014 Word of the Year ~ LOVE

| Shari Daniels

Photo on 2013-12-28 at 22.27 #5

It’s almost time to say goodbye to January. Not that I’m hangin’ on to it, by any means.  It’s been a month of wind, snow and frigid cold here in northern Minnesota.  We’ve had so many late starts and snow days that it’s beginning to feel like one long extension of our holiday break.  The upside is that a forcing to retreat indoors means time to reflect, read, be still, and to get it all on the page.  Yeah, yeah, I could take down the Christmas tree, clean the college kids’ bedrooms (ugh) or start taxes, but to me, this is FREE TIME!  The house is quiet and not a soul is here, so I will do whatever my heart desires.

I’ve chosen my 2014 Word of the Year, after much contemplation during the month of December.  My 2012 word of CREATIVE and 2013 word of COURAGE are pretty tough to beat.  Living with intent through the lens of those two words, I accomplished goals that I would have never been able to do otherwise.  The words still resonate with me and are etched into my being ~ well, they were before, I just had to reactivate them.  I will carry them forth with me to 2014.

But, I’m living out 2014 with a new word.  It’s a biggie.  MASSIVE.  I know. . . you’re feeling the suspense.

My word is LOVE.

Yes, LOVE.

“Oh.  That’s it?” is what you are thinking.

But really, I know that LOVE seems like such a cliched word.  We throw it around loosely, so it’s a word one would not think of choosing to toss into the universe because, from an outsiders perspective, we are “love-ing” all the time.  “I love chocolate. I love my family.  I love Christmas.  I love puppies.”  LOVE encompasses so much.  There are no boundaries.

My main focus with my word is SELF-LOVE.  Yes, I said it, SELF-LOVE.

Ugh.  It’s even hard for me to write that.

This is how I know I need it.  Here is my issue with it:

SELF-LOVE and SELFISH-LOVE are two terms that dance around each other.  Yet, they are each very different terms.  I’ve treated them both the same for most of my life, thinking that SELF-LOVE might be a form of egoism, narcissism, arrogance or self-promotion.  Really though, that is SELFISH-LOVE.

BUT, LOVING MYSELF?  SERIOUSLY?  WHO DOES THAT?????

I believed that others needs should always be  before my own.  (That’s what good wives, mothers and teachers do.) I believed that true humility meant to be modest and to talk down of yourself. (We learn this from everyone around us and a girl has to fit in!)  My truth was that I should never feel content with who or what I was because then, what would I work towards? (You gotta have goals and they should be based on what I need to be better at, right?) But even worse than that, I believed in my heart, that I truly was never good enough. . .in almost every area of my life.

SOMETHING always felt missing.

So, I tried to find it.  In so many ways.

Even when I knew others loved me, I still tried to fill a void in my heart.  I thought that if I could only be more perfect or find what I was missing, that void would be filled.  My 30 some years of trying to be perfect and seeking for more are over.  I’m learning to love myself just as I am.

And this is not going to be an easy road.

I’m hardwired with repeated “self-talk” that tells me I should BE better.  DO better.  LOOK better.

HERE’S THE NITTY GRITTY ~ THE SHIFT OF WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE YOURSELF ~

Loving yourself means to open your heart to your own self, to accept yourself unconditionally for who you are, for what you look like, feel like, and think like with all of your differences, flaws (it’s only a flaw if your mind tells you it is), and unique characteristics of who you are.  Loving yourself means to treat yourself as you would a helpless infant.  It means to be a tender loving mother to yourself.  It means to use loving words when talking to yourself or about yourself.  If your mind tells you you are not good enough, then you are not loving yourself.  Loving yourself also means setting boundaries for yourself and being assertive enough to speak your truth.

I’m starting small.  And, I’m beginning with wiping out negative self talk.  Just being aware that my mind is telling me these lies is a start.  I would not say these negative words to another human being, why do I continue repeating them to myself?

For heaven’s sake.

Now. . . going to pour my glorious self a cup of tea.  Well, lookie here – my Yogi tea message. . .

“Appreciate yourself and honor your soul.”

I’ve put LOVE out there and it’s already coming back at me.

I’m loving this word already.