Bernice is on a rampage this morning. (Incase you don’t know Bernice, she’s my mind.)
Awakening on a Saturday morning at home, after being gone for almost a week, will get her going like a crazy woman with an anxiety attack.
“Get up and clean this house, for Pete’s sake, it’s disgusting – kitchen, bathroom, bedroom. . . honestly. The heaps of dirty clothes need to get washed, there are no fresh groceries in the house – get to the store, and you’d better bake something – the boys are home – they are looking for treats, work on some school presentations and planning being you have all this fresh knowledge in your head from Ohio, and you should get up to school and do some planning for next week anyway, oh my gosh – TAXES! YOU NEED TO GET GOING ON TAXES!! Your car is still sitting in the driveway, you know from when you hit that deer last weekend! You’d better get it towed to the shop – and what are you going to drive next week? Check with insurance and see if you can get a rental and have it covered. You have not written a blog post all week, you call yourself a writer? TAXES!! Ugh, walk or do yoga or SOMETHING with your body today – you certainly didn’t need to eat that teramisu and french bread dipped in olive oil last week – not to mention all the other restaraunt eating that does not qualify as very healthy, better change it up – get some food prep done so you aren’t walking that path all week. Did you exercise AT ALL last week? (Well, yes, I did yoga one day.) THAT’s not enough. Giddyup! You’d better call Gracie, have you checked on her lately? And, your parents, do you even know how your dad is doing?? Check out where the world is on the Ukraine crisis – make sure you spend some time worrying about this – you have two soldier age boys, you know, you NEED to be concerned about this. . . and pray for the people on that missing plane. . . heavens. . .”
She doesn’t stop. Not even to take a breath. I dread getting out of bed because I don’t know where to start.
Deep breath – get up and make coffee.
Ritual. Start with ritual.
Climbing the stairs to my sanctuary to write, I set my coffee down, light a candle and open my notebook that begs for some words on the page.
I hear Bernice tell me to tell me to hurry up – I have things to do today.
Then, a little nudge of an angel voice whispers in my ear, “Be grateful.”
I close my eyes and breathe from a place deep within myself.
Looking out the window, above my desk, I gaze at the sea blue sky, light fluffy clouds slowly sailing to the east – like ships moving, the sun shining directly in my window onto my notebook, still in rising mode.
My soul wells up. Bernice quiets down.
I am so grateful for this day God gave me. This gift of grace. Of writing, this gift I give to myself, an honoring of my true self. The music serenading in the backgound – Chris Rice singing Hallelujas and guitars strumming. My deep dark coffee laced with swirling almond milk – this missing during my days away from home. The first pen grabbed to write with begs to be written with and words flow out of it. My husband, who never harps on what I should get done on the weekend – he gives me this space.
This is my heart speaking. I call her “Rose”.
I like listening to Rose. She’s much nicer than Bernice.
I close my notebook and ask my husband what he’s planning for the day.
He tells me, “A little tv, I might shoot my bow, we should take some fish out for supper.”
I shake my head and smile at his ability to have a quiet mind and wish I could be more like him. I know this is why God partnered me with him.
“You wanna get bundled up and go for a walk?” I ask.
“Yup, right after this hunting show.”
I decide to have another cup of coffee and start a load of laundry.
I think it’s going to be a beautiful day.